It's not for a lack of things to write about, rather a check inside as to whether or not I should write what's on my mind. Proverbs 29:11-A fool vents all his feelings, but a wise man holds them back. After reading that years ago, it makes me stop in my tracks at times and consider my words.
I am struggling now in the place where God has called me to be in my life. On the outside it's as though I live in a dream. Beautiful country, great food, friendly people, etc. Yes, on the outside. Yet, on the inside I find myself struggling to be content with the way things are at the moment. There is nothing dramatic, no seeminlgy difficult trial-it is just life in general. Of course what follows is the guilt of questioning why I even feel this way.
I miss friendship so much. It feels so isolated where I live-people are all around me yet they have their own lives and other than a hello and good-bye they really aren't interested in much else. The language barrier doesn't help much either. I live in a place so unlike Baja now. In Baja I could walk everywhere, people could comoe over all the time, I could go there, be at the church, doing this and that. There was the opportunity to do something at anytime because we were all so close to each other. Here, it's huge and yet I live in the countryside which is absolutely beautiful, don't get me wrong. It's just that there is noone near me that I can just call up and go get a coffee with. I feel so isolated.
Jim is busy a lot and that is good. I don't want to bring him down with my sorrows and make him feel guilty, but there are times I actually do feel like complaining to him about it so he can feel miserable too~what a good wife huh!
There was an Italian conference last week and I couldn't go because Jim had to be in Hungary and it made me so sad to not be able to be a part of it and hang out with the other people in ministry here and just have fun together. So he went to Hungary and I stayed home 4 days alone with noone to talk to but the cats. He came home Sunday night about 11:30pm and left on Monday afternoon for another couple days. I'm not the type that needs him by me every second. It's just that when he's gone and there's noone around to talk to it gets a little depressing at times.
I really miss the women and the fellowship we had in Baja. We had such a great time together in God's Word. Here, it just doesn't seem like the women have time for such a thing. Maybe in a couple years-who knows. Plus, a new language to learn...will I ever be able to speak fluently? I am trying so hard to study the language on my own but it's challenging! If we had the money I would go to school so that I could practice it with other people.
So, there you have it. Wallowing in self pity I suppose, but you know what, life isn't all roses is it. I am not looking back at what was and longing for that. I know better than that. I am praying God will bring us a team of people that want to work here in Padova. It seems like a good idea to have some other people around us and help with the work here. There's much to be done-it's a huge place!
I found this quote when I lived in Baja and we were going through difficult times. I have it in my bible and it's a good reminder for me -especially now! I think it is from Frances Havergal but I can't remember.
Well, praise God that He always pulls us through the rough patches!
(you can click on the image if you are old like me and can't read the writing)