Saturday, May 7, 2011

He does remember

As you may have noticed I have not blogged in ages!! Been busy with lots of different things.
Tomorrow is Mother's Day and this morning I thought about all the women for whom tomorrow will bring sorrow. For some, their Mom has passed away and they won't be able to share the day with them. For others, it is a day they would rather not be reminded of because it brings pain. As I considered whether or not to write about this subject today, I went to read my OYB and sure enough the story of Hannah is the OT reading today. I took it as from the Lord to go ahead and share. I wept as I read it and yet rejoiced in how the Lord answered her prayer. I wept because for some, they read Hannah's story and there is still no "Eli". There is still no "and the Lord remembered her. How many hurting women are there who think the Lord has forgotten them and has not heard their pleas and their cries for a baby.
Growing up, the only thing I ever wanted was to be married and have children. I did go through a stage of wanting to be an airline stewardess (sure wish I was at times) but nothing ever mattered to me except to have a family. I wanted to be a wife and a mom so badly. Before I was married I ended up having about 7 surgeries for ovarian cysts. Cysts that burst and bled into my body causing problems which resulted in having to have them surgically removed. Some were so infected that it resulted in gang green which almost killed me at one point. A month after we were married I had another cyst and this time the doctor told me that everything needed to go. My insides were too messed up and there was no alternative. My heart sunk! I couldn't believe that he was telling me this. Up until that point, I still held out hope to bear a child. This was the worse news I could have heard. The night before the surgery, I remember reading from James about praying when you are sick and your prayer will be heard and you can be healed. My understanding of God's Word was not that great at the time, but to me, this was pretty black and white. I went into the operating room with the thought that they would open me up and a miracle was to take place and nothing would be wrong. The surgery was quite long and in the recovery room, the doctor said 'everything is good, the surgery was a success-some other things too, but by that time my mind stopped. At that moment I turned my thoughts against the Lord. I felt as though He had let me down and forgotten me. He was God and if He wanted, He could have done a miracle and He didn't. Someone from the church came to visit me-she worked with women who had difficult pregnancies. I didn't want to be near her, I didn't want to hear anything she had to say.
As the enemy would have it, my ears and eyes were in tune to every story of child abuse-every article about a drug addicted mother abusing her child, a parent murdering their child or abandoning their baby-I read them all, saw all those news stories. I grew more bitter by the moment. My thoughts towards the Lord were not good. I remember thinking how cruel it was that He let those people give birth and He knew what kind of parents they would be but He couldn't let me have a baby! Yes, I was that far gone in my thoughts!!
My sister-in-law asked me to please go to women's study with her some months later. I went and sure enough we passed around prayer requests. Wouldn't you know that I received one from a gal who wanted prayer for a 'healthy pregnancy'. Ashamed to say, but I ripped it up in the parking lot and that was the last time I went to women's study for quite some time.
Thankfully, the Lord never ever gave up on me. I can't imagine someone having these thoughts of such anger and bitterness towards me and then just forgiving them as He forgave me. It's truly amazing!
The Lord had another plan for our life. He blessed us with an amazing little girl. My life would not be the same without her. She never would be my daughter if I could give birth to a child and the Lord knew that way before time! It's not just that she needed a family, it is that we needed her. There is no way that I would change anything about God's plan. His ways are most definitely better than my ways, and His plans oh so much better than mine!
A couple years later, my sister in law called and asked if I would consider helping out in childcare for the women's ministry. I did and wouldn't you know the age group I had for 2 years was newborns!! It was a joy and I am thankful God gave me the opportunity.
My heart goes out to all the women who long to have a child. God remembered Hannah, He remembers you. I realize too that for some, you may never bear a child, you may never adopt a child. But, you have a role in a child's life. In the lives of nieces, nephews, kids at church-there are so many children out there who need love and hugs.
There aren't always the answers to questions we have. God never told Job why things happened in his life as they did. In the past I have found myself saying 'when I get to Heaven, I am going to ask God....." I am begining to think that when I get to Heaven I will be so amazed to be in the sight of the One who loves me and forgives me, who takes each tear and bottles it up-I won't really care about the answer anymore.
I pray also for anyone who has bitterness-a lot or even a little right now, that you hand it over to the Lord. He really does want what is best for His children. He doesn't withhold anything good from us even if we think at times He does. Don't look for Him to answer your prayer the way you have in mind-He might have a different plan. May God comfort you and bring a song to your heart that only He can!
Wishing everyone a blessed and Happy Mother's Day!